What Death Does Off Duty
by operationhades
Summary: ONESHOT. It usually starts off with Death trying to do work. Then Life comes along, violates his privacy & generally screws his whole day up. Over nine thousand centuries later, you'd think Death would expect such a thing. You're wrong. Sasunaru.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters, make no profit, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I am but a mere pawn in the grand design of life.

**AN: **This is a repost of something I wrote years ago, on a different account, which is being purged off slash. So, it's not good, it's not nowhere _near _what I consider good, but I like having old things to look at again from years gone by. It's morbidly nice. There's a KakaIru sequel to this, btw, plus the bottom AN is completely untouched - _all of this _is completely untouched. So enjoy my young self's weirdo writing!

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******WHAT DEATH DOES OFF DUTY  
**_operationhades  
__december 2010_

There was a lot of _down time _for someone like him, mused Death, a lot of time where he just sat here on top of a monastery, or in a hospital's waiting room, or a pensions home, musing about things like this. Granted, this was usually around the time Life passed out from whatever crap he'd been doing before hand, yet nevertheless, his work wasn't _exactly _tied down to Life's, just… Influenced, by Life's. Just as Life's work was influenced by his.

Apparently, there had to be a balance. Not too much death, and not too much life. But it was okay to tip the scale slightly in one's favour now and again, as long as it was paid for at a later date.

Swinging his legs on the bench he was currently sitting on, the dark haired male looked around the ever white room, making sure to look back at the ever changing scroll in his hand. The names usually stayed the same, but sometimes the letters would rearrange themselves into another person's name. Sometimes, the list was never ending (usually when Life made a mistake and went on a _giving _rampage), other times it was completely empty. And when it was empty, rather than it meaning every soul on Earth was currently safe, it actually meant Time was being lazy again and would most likely make up for the extension on a person's life by giving Death a long ass list.

Right now, the damn scroll was empty, and the young adult (visually, at least) barely restrained the urge to curse colourfully in countless languages he'd picked up over the centuries. He _could _just go and hang out with Fate or something, the pale eyed man was good company, even if he was always around his cousin with the same pale eyes, Destiny. Destiny was more of Life's companion; the shy girl always withered away around Death, though he honestly had no clue why or actually even gave a damn. Hell, he probably encouraged it further by glaring death at every at every corner. It _was _rather satisfying hearing her squeak.

But he was responsible, unlike the blonde headed idiot called Life. He actually _did _his job when he was supposed too, and not hours later with some lame excuse like Time, and for god's sake, at least he wasn't _constantly drunk _twenty four seven or chased mermaids (and other women) around like Zeus and Poseidon. Ah, but he could understand Lady Zeus' need for a good bottle of sake (or twenty three bottles of sake). If he had that job and all his underlings were like _Life _and _Time _and even _Medusa_! Oh, he'd have committed suicide if the prospect of Hades didn't have him shuddering in disgust.

Damn, he had to deal with that snake-freak once a week as it was!

So, having mentally pondered himself into a foul mood, the pale skinned man glared at all the babies and toddlers curiously staring at him, well, not _him _per se, but his wings. Why he needed wings when he could just _shunshin _his way anywhere was beyond him, but the only reasoning he'd gotten was Life's pathetic excuse of "to give people who're gonna die something pretty to look at." _Dobe_.

"HEY SASUKE!" _'speak of the devil and he shall-'_

-Ugh! Damn, didn't the blonde idiot know he was heavy? Grunting, Sasuke reeled forward, trying desperately not to end up face first on the floor. He was _not _pleased when the toddlers giggled at him, and was even less pleased at the blonde weight on his back, arms around his neck in a chokehold that he was finding increasingly difficult to breathe through. "Get. Off. Me. _Dobe_."

When Life finally did, the dark haired young man straightened up and patted himself down, straightening out his clothes and doing his best to return back to looking presentable. He was Death dammit, not that stupid human name Life had made everyone choose. Well, everyone except _him_, since he'd refused to choose one and be called anything other than Death. But Life had found a way around that, by going to his bastard of a brother Deception, who'd amusedly named himself _Itachi _of all things, and called Death _Sasuke_.

It didn't help that _everybody else _played along.

Time went ahead and called himself Kakashi (did the man think he was _funny_?), the three siblings - Zeus, Poseidon and Hades - called themselves Tsunade, Jiraiya and Orochimaru in that order. Fate and Destiny chose on Neji and Hinata (now Sasuke- no! Death!- had to agree Neji was a particularly cool name), and _Life here_… The idiot called himself Naruto.

_Before _he knew what it actually meant.

"What are you doing here, _fishcake_?"

The dark haired of the pair took great pleasure in hearing his companion splutter in indignation and proceeded to calmly stick his fingers into his ears just as the blonde atrocity took in a deep breath and promptly screamed his ear off.

"_Teme! _Don't call me that! I swear if I hear you say that again I'll beat you so hard you won't be able to protect your white ass from Orochimaru!"

Said blonde haired atrocity smirked in glee as he saw who _he _called Sasuke shudder in disgust. He waved off the other's apprehension, because hell, even _he _wasn't that cruel. Orochimaru really _did _have an scary obsession with Sasuke. Oh! He'd just go along with Sasuke _(and protect his chastity) _whenever the young adult had to do routine checkups on the underworld. Yup! And if he happened to gain any material to _blackmail _a certain young adult, weeeeeelll~

"So anyway, teme! What chu' doin~?"

Sasuke glared at him, knowing full well _Naruto _was immune to it's affect, but seeing the damn toddlers and babies break out crying was still damn satisfying, so he took a turn at glaring at every single one of them. It was annoying how the extremely young and the extremely old (who were about to die) could see them, but oh well, what could he do? Once each and every baby capable of seeing him (plus some old people who were breathing their last - oh look, there were _names _on his damn list!) were bawling their eyes out and shivering with fear, he returned his attention to the blue eyed male who was still _far too close _and in his damn _personal space_. But this was Naruto; there _was _no personal space around him.

"Work."

He ignored the tanned face falling into a pout, ignored it when the blonde peered over his shoulder (and tried pushing him to the floor along the way) to peek at his list, which _lo and behold! _was accumulating names as fast as Lady Zeus ("Tsunade-baa-chan, Sasuke! Tsunade-baa-chan!") drank any alcoholic beverage close by. But he _couldn't _ignore it when Life's face stretched out into a foxy grin, he _couldn't _ignore it when that expression on those twinkling blue irises turned to one looking _exactly _like that bastard Hermes, or as _he _called himself _Kyuubi_, because apparently foxes were considered cunning and good at thievery; plus it probably didn't hurt to be a notorious play boy who'd hit _anything _and _everything _that breathed. Rumours had it he even flirted with Cerberus once. Who was _not _a dog. Cerberus called himself _Kabuto_ - the whole _dog _thing came from everybody else calling him "Orochimaru's dog".

"Ne~! Let's go visit Sakura-chan!"

And off he was yanked by the collar of his black trench coat, his price for momentarily dazing out and completely forgetting about the blonde bundle of trouble who had been grinning at him with the most absurd amount of teeth flashing. Why he was being forced to go meet that accursed woman was beyond him, but alas he couldn't do much other than try and pry off Naruto's hand from his throat; because you know, he couldn't _breathe dammit_.

And with a quick _shunshin,_ the bright lights of the hospital became dark and murky, the open sky closed by dark clouds that rumbled with thunder and lightning. He glared disdainfully at all the _slime _and _yuck _at every corner, resigning himself to his fate and punching Naruto so he could stand up on his own and walk with his own two feet. There was no escape now. Once you were in the damn snake woman's lair, she'd latch onto you and forever keep you with her.

"Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!" _'Speak of the devil and she shall-'_

-Ugh! Dammit! What was with people jumping him these days! And he did _not _like the feel of the damn woman's... _Things _squishing up against his arm, and _damn you Naruto stop snickering_. Glaring death, Sasuke attempted to pry the snake woman from his arm and in his battle he made the mistake to actually _look _at her _and lo and behold! _he was blinded by a bright light that had him reeling in it's intensity.

Oh _god_, was she _pink?_

Truthfully, the last time he'd even bothered looking at Medusa had been… Well, the last time Naruto had dragged him. And believe it or not, but Naruto rarely dragged him here, only when he wanted to cause Sasuke utter despair did he even _speak _her name. Looking over at the blonde, Sasuke could very well say that today was one of those days, and dimly he began wondering what he had _done _to deserve this. He hadn't spiked any of the blonde's drinks, nor had he attempted to kill Kyuubi in a while - hell, he hasn't even tried to behead a living child in almost two hundred years!

"Ne, Sakura-chan! How are you?"

The now _pink-themed _snake woman completely ignored blondie, focusing purely on her love interest of _ooooh, how about a couple thousand decades? _Said love interest steadfastly kept his eyes on Naruto, refusing to blind himself once more with the pink… _Thing_ on his arm, and barely kept any attention as the girl began blabbering her mouth about mundane things. He was far too busy focusing all his killing intent on the blonde, and from the nervous shuffling the blonde was giving, succeeding too. Hmm, this was new, he'd have to share this particularly beneficial turnaround with Itachi - lord knew how both had people they needed to keep away from. Although honestly, what Sasuke would _give _to trade in his stalker for Itachi's. Kyuubi was _at least _far better looking than _Oro-fucking-maru._

"-and then Iruka-sensei came over and said-"

Iruka-sensei? Hmm, he hadn't seen Mother Nature around in a while. Confused, Sasuke refocused back on Naruto, silently communicating with his counterpart and receiving a shrug in response. So he wasn't the only person who hadn't seen hide nor hair of the kind hearted man. So maybe Sasuke shouldn't have discarded Zeus/Tsunade's drunken rambling last week so quickly. It was always hard calling her Tsunade, Zeus seemed such a fitting name for her, hell, he could perfectly understand why those foolish humans thought Zeus was a man in the first place. If it weren't for the… Distinctive… Breasts… Sasuke too would have thought her male. As it stood however, Tsunade was a woman. And that woman had said something Sasuke thought was mere fabrication.

"_and that damn Kakashi's been trying to __court__ Iru-chwan, ooooh I have to protect sweet Iru-chwan's chwastityyyyy~!"_

… Oh god.

"-oh by the way, Sasuke-kun, your twin, Hypnos, says hi."

"WHAT? Sakura-chaaan! When did Sai come back!"

… Oh _god._

"Baka Naruto! He just came yesterday! Don't you dare disturb him, he's probably resting right now! The last thing he'll need is you crashing into his room and yapping his ear off with your stupidity!"

"But Sakura-_chaaan! _I haven't seen Sai in _ageeess_, how was his trip over to Egypt, eh?"

… '_Oh my _god_.'_

While Sasuke continued to stare in Naruto's general vicinity in complete and utter shock (and mortification), the pink haired Medusa and blonde haired Life continued talking about Death's twin, Hypnos, someone with equally dark hair (though his was completely straight), dark eyes (though his was somehow more 'inky' than Sasuke's 'obsidian') and pale, _pale, _skin (so pale, that some said it was actually paler than Sasuke's). Then it went on to the age old question of _why _Sai was Hypnos, considering Wisdom, aka Shikamaru, spent more time sleeping than Sai did, who granted, _did _sleep quite a lot but never when everybody else did.

It was actually really quite creepy in fact. Nobody _ever _saw Sai sleeping. But… He did…

Or so Itachi, Kyuubi and Neji said.

Which was another creepy thing. Why those three knew Sai's sleeping habit was down right strange. Why those three (plus Sai) all happened to be… Terrifyingly… _Close _to each other was creepily scary.

"I BET THEY'RE ALL ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED!"

That brought Sasuke out of his stupor, and in turn, it made him stare wide eyed in horror as Sakura and Naruto dived right into conspiracy talk about his _brother _being _sexually involved _with three other males. One of who was Sasuke's own twin brother (which in turn made Sai Itachi's younger brother - though honestly, _nobody _followed such family things), one of who was _freaking Kyuubi _and the other being _Neji_. _Neji_.

Wait. Neji would never romantically be involved with _anyone _let alone _three _people. What was that called anyway? Orgy? … Please don't answer that.

As it stood, he was at a danger of being mentally scarred more so than he already was, and with renewed vigour, he pried himself off the half woman, half snake and quickly took _countless _steps back. Quickly muttering a farewell and giving an excuse that would rival Kakashi's in audacity, he _shunshin_'ed his way _the hell outta there_, finding himself in a beautiful forest clearing where daylight streamed in lazily through small spaces between giant tree's.

Almost as soon as he landed, Naruto blurred into existence right next to him looking like he was ready to scream in that _annoying _nasal pitch of his. With one pointed glare, Sasuke was able to shut him up. Why _this _glare was able to do anything as opposed to all the other glares was because of the _genuine _quality to it. Sasuke really _was _at the end of his wit, and that was enough to shut Naruto up _good_. Because despite all his pranks and pulling Sasuke at every corner, he always knew when to stop.

It was probably because of that the two were such good _friends_. Emphasis on the _friends_. It was then Naruto leaned down and kissed Sasuke right on the lips and horrible butchered that notion.

Moving on to plop himself next to the giant log Sasuke sat on, Naruto leaned himself heavily on his friend's shoulder, grinning widely as he looked around the beautiful scenery. The pair sat there for some time, silent for once, Sasuke enjoying the peace and using it to recuperate from his - a glance at his watch, _yes he had a watch_ - _fifteen hour adventure_, and Naruto merely looking around and admiring the view.

"Iruka-sensei's really cool with all this Nature stuff, isn't he?"

Sasuke could only grunt in agreement, looking around briefly before returning his attention back to himself and the constant warm source by his side. Soon, he began to tire of doing such a thing, and instead began to get rather interested in doing another sort of thing. Another sort of thing with the equation (because maths was awesome): Sasuke + Naruto = FUN.

And thus proceeded the make out session.

It started with Sasuke turning around putting one leg over the trunk so he had both on each side, making Naruto turn to him and putting _Naruto's _leg on each side on top of his, then scooting the young man closer until Naruto was almost seated on his lap. Then he grabbed the blonde's head, threading his fingers through those _sensational _golden locks, and pulled Naruto towards him, kissing him with everything he had.

Lips locked, all thinking ceased, and both Death and Life quickly moved onto tongues, tasting each other, exploring the other's hot, moist cavern, Naruto's hands came up to bunch themselves on Sasuke's coat, a soft mewl escaping him. Sasuke growled in appreciation, delving further and trying to permanently imprint the taste into his own mouth. They battled for what seemed like eternity, and if anyone truly knew the meaning behind such a word it would be them, but in the end Naruto relented, succumbing to the wicked pleasure Sasuke's tongue bestowed unto him, the very evidence of the countless claims he constantly screamed at everyone that Sasuke was _more _than Death, that he was most probably actually Erebos, the god of darkness and shadow. Itachi always just stared back at Naruto amusedly, Kyuubi outright laughed at him ("What? Prissy Sasu-chan being Erebos?") and everybody else steadfastly ignored him. Only Neji seemed to usually smirk in agreement, though Neji just thought Sasuke was _like _what Erebos would probably be (since _obviously _someone of _that _level was actually _unknown_), but Naruto was a firm believer that Sasuke _was _Erebos.

And Sasuke usually just smirked and said nothing.

Later, _hours later_, Iruka walked in, accompanied by a slightly flustered looking Kakashi. Soon after, Sakura made her way towards them, snake half disguised as actual legs (since she heavily enjoyed shopping with the humans); dragging behind her a stuttering Hinata. Neji popped in soon after, with Kyuubi and Sai in tow, looking for all the world like the cat that got the canary. Tsunade and Jiraiya came, thankfully with no Orochimaru, and Itachi _shunshin_'ed himself right behind Sasuke, only achieving in scaring the shit out of Naruto.

With everybody around, chattering, messing about, just _being_, Sasuke found himself once more musing about just how much free time he usually found himself enjoying. Naruto's head plopped onto his shoulder, and his loud voice cut into everybody's chatter, making everybody pin their eyes on the pair.

"Hey Sasuke, what do you do off duty?"

Sasuke stared down at the blonde mop of hear incredulously, wondering whether the dobe really was as idiotic as he'd just sounded.

"I get hijacked by you, usually visit Medusa," _("It's Sakura!")_ "Find myself mentally scarred with images of Iruka and Kakashi going at it," (Iruka blushed heavily here as Tsunade loudly screamed "HAHA! I KNEW IT!") "Ponder whether there's an actual term for- oh wait, it's _foursome_, hn, should have known - and then go on to think whether my own brother, twin and companion are part of such a thing with the bastard _you _call a brother," (Naruto's indignant squawking as well as Kyuubi being too busy molesting Itachi were drowned out by Sakura's squealing) "And then I usually make my exit, come here, molest you, and end my day surrounded by gods, demigods and god knows what the rest the hell of you are. Then go back to my job."

Naruto stared up at him from his perch on Sasuke's shoulder, gaping for all he was worth. Everybody else (minus Kyuubi who was far more interested in trying to get Kakashi to open up to the prospect of a threesome) was also gaping as Sasuke began returning back to simply _being_, and then, of course, Naruto opened up his mouth once more.

"So basically…" It was so cute seeing Naruto scrunch up his eyebrows in honest confusion. "You have a shit load of time and spend it all with me…?" Sasuke merely nodded in reply. Oh and grunted. The grunt was his compulsory _thing_.

"Maa… Life and Death, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-_OW!_ Ruka-chwaaaa~n, but it's _true!"_

**END.**

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Here's the cast just in case you got confused, plus a little reasoning why for those that aren't obvious:

**Death/Thanatos**: Sasuke (whole inspiration _came _with thinking "lol, what if Death was Sasuke?" so there's not much _reasoning_, but it fits. This isn't _angsty-i-cry-tears-of-blood-and-vengeance _Sasuke. But cool Sasuke. The Sasuke Sasuke-haters like to read about. Like me. XD)

**Life** - Naruto (despite many people's assumptions, Life isn't exactly a _saint_. Far from it, Life can be more cruel than anything. How many babies are born just to instantly die? How many people are born with difficulties, be them physically or mentally? How many people are born to a life where there's no love, family, care, opportunity or chance of succeeding? What? Never thought of that, did ya?)

**Medusa: **Sakura (I realize Anko would be perfect for this, but who gives a shit about Anko when it comes to sasunaru? Plus Medusa was - Shit, Sakura should've been Athena. Oh well, I claim artistic license. Or something... XD)

**Time: **Kakashi (because he's always _late!_)

**Mother Nature: **Iruka (do I have to explain? What? I do? Fine. Pretty forests and nice blue skies = Iruka in his normal mood. Tsunami's, volcanoes erupting, floods and general mayhem = Iruka when pissed off. The latter is usually when Time/Kakashi does something _to _piss Iruka off. Death/Sasuke usually works overtime after such events. XD)

**Deception/Apate: **Itachi (the whole from big brother to murdering the whole Uchiha Clan to joining Akatsuko to trying to capture Naruto to turning out to _actually be a good guy_... deception of the most epic nature)

**Fate & Destiny: **Neji & Hinata (Fate is the end result, meaning no matter what you do, you'll most likely end up there, but _destiny _is _how _you end up there, what choices you do, how you do them, and what kind of person you end up as in the end. That's how I take those two words anyway. 8D)

**Zeus: **Tsunade (leader, strong, _blonde_... -cough-)

**Poseidon: **Jiraiya (my only reasoning? Because if you read One Piece, then one word. Mermaids.)

**Hades: **Orochimaru (Hades is actually a neutral person, he's not really _evil _per say, just the guy who rules the underworld. Technically. But come on, Orochimaru would totally rock this slot like _whoa_)

**Hermes: **Kyuubi (God of travel, messengers, trade, thievery, cunning wiles, animal husbandry etc etc. He is the messenger of the gods, a psychopomp who leads the souls of the dead into Hades' realm. So foxes are known to be cunning and damn good thieves. Imagine a _sexy _long red-haired Kyuubi who makes fun of dead people while he's escorting them to Orochimaru - "heeey baby, how 'bout we get a lil' frisky and I can save ya from Oro-chan?")

**Sleep/Hypnos: **Sai (twin of Death/Sasuke. nuff said. I love Sai, he's what I think whenever I hear Timberlake's "Bringin' Sexy Back". Since he's one of ROOT's best agents, shouldn't he be at the same level (or above) typical ANBU dudes?)

And that's it I guess. Seriously, **I'd love it if you reviewed**. Long ass author note here but... **TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. SERIOUSLY. **


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